13 – The Old Curmudgeon

The Old Curmudgeon

By Edgar Barryton

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am.  What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious, moron?”)

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing,” she says. “I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment,” he tells her. “For all I know you could start at any moment. So I’ll have to write you up and take you in.”

“For reading a book?” she replies.

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her again.

“But I’m not fishing.  I’m reading,” she says once more.

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. You could start at any moment. I need to write you up.”

“Well,” she says, “if you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault.’

His head goes back. “But I haven’t even touched you.”

“Ah, that’s true,” she says with a grin, “but you have all the equipment. And for all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” he says and races away.

MORAL:  Never argue with a woman who reads.  It’s likely she can also think.

*****
Here’s Why Our Country Is In Trouble

(Here’s what a DC airport ticket agent reports about dealing with politicians.)

1. I had a former Governor ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate’s staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then she interrupted me with, ”I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .”
Without trying to make her look dumb, I calmly explained, ”Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa. ”
Her response — click!

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried t o explain that’s not possible since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, ‘”Don’t lie to me! I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!”

4. I got a call from the same former Governor who asked, ”Is it possible to see England from Canada because I know you can see Russia from Alaska?”
I said, ”No.”
She said, ”Hmm, but they look so close on the map.”

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ”I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.”

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called and needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ”Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?”
I said, ‘No, why do you ask?’
She replied, ”Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!”
After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT-Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator’s aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ”Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

9. A freshman Congressman asked me, ”How do I know which plane to get on?”
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ”I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

10. A lady Senator called and said, ”I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?”
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ”Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”
I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ”Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ”I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .”
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ”Are you sure that’s the name of the town?”
“Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the lady.
After some searching, I came back with, ”I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a rhino anywhere.”
”The lady retorted, ”Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!”
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ”You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?”
The reply: ”Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”

Now you know why the our government is in the shape that it’s in!

Vol. 37 No. 3 – Yesterday’s Magazette – Fall – 2010