Yesterday's Magazette

11 – Time For A Smile

Time For A Smile:

Why I Like Retirement

… And Other Stuff

Question:  How many days in a week?

Answer:  6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question:  When is a retiree’s bedtime?

Answer:  Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question:  How many retirees to change a light bulb?

Answer:  Only one, but it might take all day.

Question:  What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer:  There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question:  Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer:  The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question:  Among retirees what is considered formal attire?

Answer:  Tied shoes.

Question:  Why do retirees count pennies?

Answer:  They are the only ones who have the time.

Question:  What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?

Answer:  NUTS!

Question:  Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

Answer:  They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question:  What do retirees call a long lunch?

Answer:   Normal.

Question:  What is the best way to describe retirement?

Answer:  The never ending Coffee Break.

Question:  What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?

Answer:  If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question:  Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?

Answer:  He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

QUESTION:  What do you do all week?

Answer:  Monday through Friday, NOTHING, and Saturday and Sunday I rest.

**********

SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?”

“98,” she replied. ‘”Two years older than me.”

“So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented.

She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

**********

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked.

She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

**********

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

**********

I’ve sure gotten old!

I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;  hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

**********

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to

join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

**********

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed. “Why Wal-Mart?”

“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

**********

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

**********

Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

**********

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

**********

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.”

**********

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

**********

GOLF NUTS

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks

“Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain , the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term “mulligan” is really a contraction of the phrase “maul it again.”

A “gimme” can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers …  neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the “gimme putt”, you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work , and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.

**********

Jack Benny had a hole-in-one while his cronies (Jessel, Burns, Hope, and Crosby) were in the clubhouse playing cards. They heard about it before Benny came in off the course.  They decided they’d play it down, cause they knew he was coming in the door soon, ranting and bragging and turning cartwheels.

Enter Benny doing just as they expected. They pretty much ignored him, nobody even looked up, finally Burns, barely audible, asked what hole was it?  Benny said the 17th and started another long monologue which was ignored. The others showed little or no interest, then Jessel, while dealing, asked what club did he use. Benny said a 6-iron, and began to explain further, when Hope looked at him and said ‘wrong club.’

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